


Let's Run Avway Together

by apricot_butter



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Not actually incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-10 13:29:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2026860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apricot_butter/pseuds/apricot_butter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan Ampora's attention-seeking cousin pulls his biggest stunt yet, and Eridan is dragged along with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of an au, I guess? They all live on Earth for unexplained reasons.

Eridan Ampora stood on the balcony overlooking his huge living room. What seemed like hundreds of vaguely purple-haired, slightly scarred Ampora relatives milled about, eating appetizers and insulting each other. The annual family reunion was always a shitfest, and it looked like this year would be no exception.  
Eridan felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, and spun around to see his father glaring at him with a stern expression. “What are you doing up here? Did you forget our deal?”  
He stared down at the floor. Eridan had promised his dad he would go socialize until dinnertime, and had so far not talked to a single one of his relatives.  
“Get down there and start making friends.”  
Eridan sighed but turned to go down the steps. It was no use to argue with his father: Dualscar was one of the best lawyers in the state, and possibly in the country.  
He pushed through the crowd, trying to keep his head down, and making his way over to the appetizers. He just prayed that he wouldn’t get noticed.  
His prayers went unanswered. He had just turned away from the snacks when someone’s hand closed around one of his horns.  
“Hey chief, where have you been all night?”  
Eridan gritted his teeth. Just his luck, to be noticed by one of his most irritating cousins. “Get the fuck off me, Cronus.”  
Cronus loosened his grip a little bit, sliding his hand down to the base of Eridan’s horn. Eridan swallowed down an embarrassing gasp, and swung his fist out, connecting with Cronus’s stomach.  
He swirled around to face his cousin, wishing he still had his cape. It would have made his turn all the more dramatic. Unfortunately, it had been shredded in the wash a few days earlier.  
“What the fuck do you want?” Eridan hissed at Cronus. Cronus looked basically the same as he had last year; maybe a little taller, but still with that stupid cigarette dangling out of his mouth.  
“Relax.” Cronus raised his hands and tried to look innocent, as if he hadn’t been fondling one of Eridan’s erogenous zones seconds earlier. “Just wanted to see how you were doing.”  
“Couldn’t you have greeted me in a slightly more appropriate way? Like, I don’t know, you could have just said hi or something.”  
Cronus shrugged. “Look chief, I’m not here to argue. I just wanted to know if you wanted to do something with me.” He winked.  
“Cronus, I don’t think a family reunion is the ideal place to try and get laid.”  
Cronus dismissed him with a flamboyant wave of his hand. “I was talking about this.” He opened a shoulder bag Eridan hadn’t realized he’s been wearing until that moment, revealing a bottle of sugary root beer flavored Faygo.  
Eridan turned up his nose in disgust. “There is no way in hell I’d drink that swill.”  
Cronus put a hand on Eridan’s shoulder. Eridan tried to jerk his hand off, but Cronus simply tightened his grip. Eridan opted to glare at him.  
“Okay chief, here are the facts. I’m basically the only troll your age at this damn reunion. Unless you want to hang out with some stupid wrigglers, I’m your best bet.”  
Eridan opened his mouth without really thinking of what he was going to say. Cronus was right, unfortunately.  
“Plus, this might make dinner a little more bearable.” Cronus tilted his head, and Eridan caught a hint of desperation in his eyes.  
Eridan relented. It wouldn’t be too bad. The sugary drink would help tune out Cronus’s stupid drivel about his nonexistent love life and imaginary problems.  
“Your room?”  
“Why not.” Eridan went back to the snack table, grabbing a few more grubsauce sandwiches, then leading Cronus upstairs to his bedroom.

 

“Eridan?”  
“Hmmm?” Eridan looked up at Cronus. Through Eridan’s faygo-blurred vision, Cronus actually looked somewhat attractive.  
“Would you like to go out with me tomorrow? Get some coffee?”  
“Like a date?”  
Cronus nodded.  
“You do realize you are my cousin, right? Are you seriously that desperate?”  
Cronus rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, has the bizarre human anathema of incest affected you that badly?”  
Eridan turned away. “We’re going to be in so much trouble at dinner. Everybody can see what we’ve been up to.” He knew already that his weak attempt to change the subject wouldn’t work at all.  
“So what do you say, chief?”  
“Stop calling me ‘chief’ permanently and I’ll go.”  
Cronus grinned sleazily. “It’s a deal.”  
Eridan groaned and pulled himself up from the floor, grudgingly helping Cronus up as well. The two of them staggered to the door, Eridan trying to stifle several yawns.  
Cronus let himself out first, then turned to face Eridan leaning against the doorway.  
“You won’t be sorry you said yes to me, che-Eridan, I mean. Tomorrow I’ll give you a date you’ll never forget.” He smirked and disappeared down the hallway.  
Eridan sighed and leaned his head against the doorframe. He wished he could take back the last few minutes. Cronus was an even bigger piece of trash than he was, and probably forty times more dramatic. He knew already that tomorrow's “date” was going to go wrong in every single way imaginable.


	2. Chapter 2

Cronus was late.

  
They had agreed to meet at the local Starbucks at 11:30. It was now 12:10, and Eridan had already sucked down five caramel macchiatos. He couldn’t help himself from glancing at the door every five seconds. It wasn’t like he was excited for the date or anything; he just hated being stood up. It was an unfortunate occurrence in his short and unlucky love life.

  
“Waiting for someone?” a snarky voice asked. Eridan looked up and found himself reflected back in Dave’s shades. Dave worked as a barista at this Starbucks, an irritating fact that Eridan seemed to forget every time he went out for coffee.

  
“None of your fuckin’ business,” Eridan snarled. “Are you the one whose been making all these macchiatos? ‘Cause they taste like shit, and you’ve spelled my name wrong on every single one of them.”

  
“All you trolls have wack names. Can’t expect me to keep up with them.”

  
“You don’t seem to have any trouble keeping up with Karkat’s.”

  
Dave didn’t exactly smile at the mention of Karkat, but there seemed to be a twinkle at the corner of his glasses. Eridan grimaced, regretting bringing it up. Nothing pissed him off more than happy couples, and though Karkat and Dave vacillated more often than the characters of even the most dramatic of rom-coms, they still seemed to really like each other.

  
“Make me another macchiato, will you?” Eridan growled.

  
One of Dave’s eyebrows raised. “Weren’t you just insulting my sick coffee-making skills literally five fucking seconds ago?” He had his arms crossed, not making any move towards the coffee machine.

  
Eridan scowled. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with Dave’s sass. “Karkat says you shave your pubes into weird shapes. Make my coffee.”

  
Dave didn’t really wince, but his head twitched slightly to the side. “God dammit, Karkat.” He turned to glare at Eridan. “How much do you know?”

  
Eridan closed his eyes, thinking of the hours of gossip he and Kar had shared together. “A little too much. Make it snappy.”

  
Dave grumbled something under his breath, then turned to the coffee machine. Eridan looked up at the clock. 12:20. If Cronus wasn’t here in the next ten minutes, Eridan was going to leave, and pretend that he had been the one to stand Cronus up, rather than the other way around.

  
Dave handed him his coffee. Eridan twisted it around to see “Eryden” written on the side. He shook his head slightly in annoyance and gulped some down.

  
Dave had come over to stand next to him. Eridan looked up at him, annoyed. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

  
Dave gestured widely to the completely empty Starbucks. “What does it look like?”

  
“Are you going to keep bothering me like this?”

  
“Bothering you?” Dave leaned on his elbows on the counter. “Bro, it’s pretty fucking clear that both you and I have nothin’ better to be doing than annoying the shit out of each other.”

  
“Yeah, whatever.” Eridan looked at the clock one last time. “God dammit,” he hissed, momentarily forgetting to pretend that he didn’t give a flying fuck about whether Cronus showed up or not.

  
Dave sighed. “Is it Feferi again?”

  
“No it’s not, and for your information Dave, I am completely over that silly little crush.” Eridan ignored the pang he felt inside when he thought about how she had ignored all the messages he had sent her over the past two months.

  
“Whatever dude. That shit doesn’t fool anyone. Everybody knows that you’re totally pining for some royal ass.”

  
Eridan opened his mouth, about to offer an angry retort, when the door swung open loudly. Eridan spun around, and he heard Dave mutter a “Holy shit tits,” behind him.

  
At first Eridan didn’t think that the new intruder was Cronus. For one thing, he had a ski mask pulled over his head. But there were too many specific details; such as the lame beaten-up leather jacket and the strands of greased hair sticking out of the back of the mask. Plus, his wavy horns stuck out of two holes on the top of the mask.

  
Cronus took two strides up to the counter, then swung something out from behind his back: a familiar blue gun.

  
“Cronus,” Eridan whispered. “Did you...did you steal Ahab’s Crosshairs from my dad?”

  
Cronus ignored him and pointed the gun directly at Dave. “Here’s the deal, worthless human. Hand over your car keys and the contents of your cash register, and I’ll let you live.”

  
Dave’s poker face hadn’t slipped, but he had raised his hands high over his head. He reached into his pocket, tossing Cronus his key ring, which was adorned with several ironic key chains. Eridan saw Dave glancing at the swords stashed beneath the counter, but took another look at the gun and seemed to think better of it.

  
“What the fuck are you...” Eridan tried to get Cronus’s attention again, but Cronus was currently completely focused on Dave.

  
Dave opened the cash register, pulling wads of money out. “You want change too?”

  
Cronus shook his head. “Nah, just the cash is fine.” Eridan could tell Cronus was growing more and more fidgety; he had probably noticed Dave’s more frequent glances at the swords as well.

  
Cronus quickly stuffed the money into his pockets. “Thanks,” he said sarcastically to Dave, then grabbed Eridan by the arm, yanking him off his chair and out the door.  
Out of the corner of his eye, Eridan could see Dave, fast as lightning, grab one of the swords and leap over the countertop. Cronus had apparently seen him too, because he tightened his grip on Eridan’s arm and started sprinting across the parking lot.

  
“Which car is his?” Cronus gasped, the first words he had spoken to Eridan the whole time.

  
“That red truck over there.”

  
Dave had followed them out into the parking lot, brandishing the sword and running a lot faster than Eridan had ever seen him go in P.E. If they didn’t make it to the car soon, he was going to slice them up.

  
Cronus managed to unlock the car while still running. He flung open the driver’s side, basically hurling Eridan into the passenger seat. Then he got in, turning the key hard, and screeched out of the parking lot.

  
There was a long silence as Cronus drove recklessly down the street, trying to get away from the Starbucks as fast as possible. He turned to Eridan and pulled of his ski mask; his hair was mussed and curlier than normal, his smile was bordering on maniacal, and his eyes glittered with adrenaline.

  
“Alright chief. What’s the fastest way out of this goddamn city?”


	3. Chapter 3

There was an awkward moment of loaded silence. Eridan could only stare at Cronus and his stupid grin, feeling as if his thinkpan had just cracked into about seven pieces.

  
He took a deep breath. “Cronus, are you fuckin’ crazy?”

  
Cronus’s smile only grew wider. “I prefer to think of myself as...” He glanced up as though deep in thought. “Spontaneous.”

  
Eridan’s eyebrows raised. “Your brain is literally made of grubsauce, you know that? Plus, you’re currently driving the wrong way, you idiot.”

  
“Fuck,” Cronus muttered, turning around. Then he turned back to Eridan. “It was unexpected though, wasn’t it?”

  
“That stunt you just pulled was the stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do, and I go to high school with god damn Egbert.”

  
“You won’t forget this date, will you?” Cronus was still pressing, seemingly desperate to hear Eridan say something good about his idiocy. There was no way Eridan was going to give him the satisfaction.

  
“I’m sure I’ll never forget the time that I ended up in jail and ruined my entire future.”

  
“Come on chief, that’s no fun...”

  
“I told you to stop calling me that!” Eridan snapped. “I don’t want your fucking nicknames!”

  
Cronus sighed. Eridan turned away from him, wrapping his cardigan more tightly around himself.

  
“Am I going the right way now?” Cronus’s voice was smaller, a bit defeated. Good. Eridan didn’t want him to be fucking proud of himself for robbing a Starbucks.

  
He raised his head to look out the window. “Yeah. We’ll hit city limits in about five minutes.”

  
Cronus nodded. Eridan tried to ignore Cronus’s frequent sideways glances at him.

  
They drove out of the city, rattling down the high way in a stolen truck. Cronus turned to him. “This is possibly the craziest thing you’ve ever done, right?”

  
Eridan sighed loudly, trying to show Cronus how much he was pissing him off. “Fine. Yes. Whatever.”

  
Cronus didn’t say anything, but Eridan could see him smiling slightly again. God dammit. Eridan closed his eyes in defeat.

 

 

 “Cronus, where exactly are we going?” Eridan had managed to completely ignore his cousin for about an hour and a half, but he was starting to get slightly worried.

“Well,” Cronus was drawing out his words at least two syllables longer. “I did look at a map right before we left, but...”

  
Eridan gritted his teeth. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what was going to come out of Cronus’s mouth next.

  
“My memory is shit, and I do not clearly remember all the spots on the map.”

  
Eridan groaned. “I knew it. You have no clue where you’re driving.”

  
“Did I say that?”

  
“You are literally the most brain-damaged individual I’ve ever met.”

  
Cronus laughed. “No fucking way. I mean, have you ever seen a Captor?”

  
Eridan shot up in his seat, a sharp memory of his old kismesis forcing its way to the surface. “How do you know about that?”

  
Cronus looked confused. “Know about what?”

  
“Never mind.”

  
“No, tell me.”

  
Eridan twisted away from him again.

  
“Oh come on, don’t be like that. Haven’t you ignored me enough?”

  
Eridan didn’t answer. He firmly believed that one could ignore another for an infinite amount of time. Unless, of course, the person being ignored was him.

  
“You look very nice, did I tell you that? It’s cute of you to dress up.”

  
It took an outrageous amount of energy for Eridan to refrain himself from telling Cronus to fuck off.

  
“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I just thought we really bonded last night...”

  
“We got slightly tipsy over some shitty soda. Don’t kid yourself, Cronus.”

  
“That’s a lot closer than I’ve gotten with anyone else.”

  
“Stop trying to make me pity you.”

  
Cronus sighed for what was probably the thousandth time on their short trip. Eridan rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all; two Amporas in a cramped space together would always lead to more drama than even the shittiest of daytime soaps.

  
Though the silence lasted for a few more miles, Cronus eventually broke it again. He wasn’t as good at ignoring people as Eridan was. “What’s making that irritating beeping noise every few seconds?”

  
“It’s just my phone. Kar probably wants to yell at me for stealing his precious matesprit’s ride.”

  
Cronus pulled his phone halfway out of his pocket, glancing for a few seconds at its blank screen as if it had betrayed him. Despite his best effort, Eridan could feel himself starting to feel a bit sorry for him.

  
“Okay Cro, tell me how you stole that gun. My dad keeps that thing under serious lock and key.”

  
Cronus’s face lit up at the opportunity to finally talk about it. “Well, you see...” Eridan let him ramble on, deciding not to care that half of what he said was probably lies.

 

Eridan didn’t know how long or how far they had been driving; he wasn’t even sure what state they were currently in. He was leaning his head against the window, watching the trees rush by in the darkness. He was jerked out of his trance by the car swerving abruptly.

“What the fuck?”

  
“Sorry ‘bout that.” Cronus yawned, his sharp teeth glowing in the darkness. “There’s a rest stop in a few miles. We could probably crash there.”

  
“You can’t sleep in a rest stop. It’s not a fuckin’ hotel.”

  
“We’re sleeping in the car, idiot. We just need somewhere to park.”

  
Eridan wrinkled his nose.

  
“It’ll be like camping or something.”

  
“That’s disgusting,” Eridan said.

  
“Don’t be a diva. Look, there it is!”

  
Cronus drove directly across three lanes that in daytime would have been overrun with oncoming traffic, almost going up on the curb on the turn into the rest stop’s lot.

  
Eridan clutched at his seatbelt. “What the hell? Did you even pass your test?”

  
“To be completely fucking honest, no.” Cronus pulled diagonally into a parking space, putting the car in park. He turned his head to look in the back, pulling his door open. “Come on.”

  
“You expect me to sleep with you back there?” Eridan shook his head. “That’s way too fucking red.”

  
Cronus settled in the back seat, pulling his jacket over himself like a blanket. “I hope you get an awful cramp from sleeping sitting up.”

  
Eridan shifted around in his seat, trying to get comfortable. He knew already that this wasn’t going to work. “Fuck it,” he muttered, opening his door as well and climbing into the back seat with Cronus.

  
Cronus patted the little space in front of him. Eridan hesitated. “You do have to admit that’s a bit weird since we’re related.”

  
Cronus rolled his eyes and groaned. “You really have been corrupted.”

  
“Admit it, Cro.”

  
“I really didn’t want it to come to this, but I was adopted. Very technically speaking, we’re not actually cousins. So you can stop thinking its’s so fuckin’ strange.”

  
Eridan swayed a little. He was really tired, and that little spot was becoming more and more appealing. “Fine,” he said, curling up in front of Cronus. He tried his best not to touch him, but the seat was so cramped it was basically impossible. Cronus flung one arm over him, his hand resting on his hipbone. His face was pressed against the back of Eridan’s neck.

  
“If you move that hand any lower, I will fucking cull you,” Eridan growled.

  
Eridan could feel Cronus smile. “Got it,” he mumbled.

  
Eridan pulled Cronus’s jacket more closely around himself, and the two of them fell asleep with their arms halfway around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: The trolls have lived on Earth for so long they've adapted to human sleep patterns. 
> 
>  
> 
> (I completely forgot that trolls are naturally nocturnal. Oops.)


End file.
